GRRRRRRRRT.
It's only 10:33 in the morning and I'm already awake. Damnit. Okay, I got that job the other day I went for the interview. See, I get something I least expected. They called me just now when I was having my beauty sleep. I picked up the phone and I know I sounded way drowsy and drunk as if I'm having a hangover. They asked me to come today but... see, I'm tired I swear. I need my sleep so I told them I'll come tomorrow. I have to be there at 8. So, I'm working from 8-5 and... Liverpool Vs Wigan thursday morning around 4 plus A.M. if I'm not wrong. And THAT I have to watch. I know what to prioritise. Hahaha. So, I have to turn in early tonight and I swear upon every stars... whoever disturb me, I'll smack them in the head.
8-5 would be 9 hours. Longer than school hours. So, kids who are going to school now, stop moaning.
Okay, I have to admit I'm... JEALOUS to see my friends having boyfriends. I'm jealous yes. There you go I confessed. BUT I don't plan to have any boyfriends. Lol. I wrote the reasons before haven't I? Yeah, thats why. However it does trigger a heartache to see them happy. No, not that I wanna see them FALLING, it's just that they're so happy making me feel like the unhappiest girl on earth which I'M NOT. Pray somewhere down the road, I would meet my Kaka. Maybe after my O level results. To my new school, who knows there would be Kaka's exact replica existance. Don't get me wrong though. I'm NOT SEARCHING FOR A BOYFRIEND. Just know some people and then take things slowly. Be my boyfriend when I finish school, okay? HAHA.
Okay so I'm going to work tomorrow with my aunt. The lady over the phone sounds so dead... so am I. Oh anyway, she told me to wear something simple. Like what? Bikini? Alright kidding. So, it's a cool thang I don't have to wear smart or... intellectual-looking that kind of thing you know.
What if Ryan is still around?
He would be back soon.
He would send me off.
He would fetch me home.
He would wait for me and we'll go to lunch.
= makes me look forward to work everyday.
What am I saying Ruz, you haven't even start working, how bad could it be. Oh, you'll never know.
I just have to type this out.
''When you feel alone ke ape ke, just look at the spaces between ur fingers, remember tht in those spaces u can see my fingers locked with urs forever.''
- Believe me, I still hold on to this phrase
''whenever u feel a warm breeze brush against u,thts the kiss i blew to u.''
''I'VE ALWAYS HAD A DREAM,A DREAM THT SEEMED SO UNREAL AND SO UNIMAGINABLE, I DNT BELIEVE IT WOULD COME TRUE..BY THE GRACE OF GOD, YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT,BETTER THN SWEETS FULL OF DELIGHT''
''i love u more and more with each day passing and it eases me to knw as tomorrow approaches, tht i will love u more then yesterday and tomorrow will be more then today. my love for u cant be measured by words alone as love does express my true feelings for u.''
''ure basically all i think about, baby. whatever im thinking abt has to do with u. ure my everything, my existence, my love, my mental status, everything''
I couldn't help myself. I kept on browsing through the email he gave when we were together. How could I forget such a perfect person. He's perfect for me. Just look at those words. We were so far away... a thousand of miles away but he felt so near to me. So close that sometimes I caught myself TALKING into empty spaces. What if we were near. Just blocks away from each other. It would be heaven. He appreciated me. That's one thing guys find it hard to do. He's not afraid to pour his thoughts to me which most guys find it silly to do.
I've known so many kind of guys. When I look at Ryan, SHAME ON YOU GUYS. So near to me yet feels so far away. I feel STUPID to even think of being with guys like you. You know who you are. Sweet talking me into things and then left me just like that. Bravo. Where's ur dick, young man? Coward.
I thank Ryan for showering me with love a guy never did to me before. I never regret knowing him. It has been more than 2 months since he was gone. I'm sorry I couldn't be there by his side before he let out his last breath. I still feel his presence. Not physically but mentally. He's everything that I wanted to be.
I miss you.
='(